Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Nygårda Julmust | Happy Whatever You Celebrate

This morning, as I was marking another x on my smutty Mrs. Clause calendar, I realized it was time for:

Yuletide fizzlings to be had by you, and all your kinship and grandfizzles! The Ghost of Christmas Mental Affliction and I will be guiding you as we traverse underprivileged neighborhoods, making our list and checking it for factual and grammatical errors. Don't forget to pack your flask. We'll be filling it to the brim with the rare exotic mistle-tinged taste of Nygårda Julmust (careful.. it's from Sweden).
Now you know I hate dwelling on bad holiday memories. But after sitting through the bulk of last year's VHS tape slide show footage, I just can't help it. As you may or may not remember, someone drank too much cider and proceeded to crash their sleighbells into grandma's giant pile of dead snowmen. This gave us no choice but to call the authorities. And then the New Year's incident at the McDonald's playground with the binoculars? Needless to say, it's been a rough year.
Which is why we've enlisted help from Mr. Clause. Not the phony Santa we all know from the mall and the movies and stuff, but Blanta himself. Take a seat on his chunky lap, while he scratches your back and listens to your naughty Christmas desires.
Oh right, about the soda. Julmust is a beverage consumed around Christmas in Sweden. In fact, during this time the country's Coca-Cola sales drop by roughly 50% due to its popularity. It tastes a little like beer, but with a lot of spice and no alcohol. Sort of bitter and strange, truthfully. My advice is not to drink it from your stocking, like you might with wassail, hot cocoa, or the like. Body shots are okay, but only after the children are fast asleep. And when Uncle Freddie (you know, the guy who kissed your girlfriend under the mistletoe the year before) punches you in the chestnuts, don't cry. Just string him up with lights and let those frisky elves take care of him. I'll show you where to stash the body.
Get some at IKEA, after you purchase that coffee table you'll never be able to assemble. Get in the spirit! And then decorate your mass spam emails with cool holiday-themed ASCII art.

1 comment:

homespunangela said...

Bravo! that was really entertaining!

p.s. I'm glad you included uh ol' Blanta