Citadelle Fruit Cola | Taste of the Islands

I know my prolonged absence has left a cold and miserable hole in so many of your lives. My secretary's been reading and rereading several letters addressed from concerned followers. A few have even brought me to tears, which is a feeling I can only compare with my time spent in the woods with these people. You see, it's not that we here at Weekly Fizz have been lazy. It's just that we've been taking the private jet out, and much like Bruce Brown we've traveled the world over in search of The Perfect Cola. Yeah, that's it.

Last week we landed in Jamaica to stock up on several sodas we've reviewed in the past, and came across a new one. The rather nonspecific Citadelle Fruit Cola, our interns found, takes a relatively new approach in giving drinkers a chance to decide for themselves what it is they're actually tasting. You see, the people at Citadelle don't bother claiming their drink is "The Real Thing" nor do they go with cocky simple one-word slogans like "Enjoy." No sir. This forward-thinking marketing team has used the skilled illustration seen below- a sunset behind a lovely pair of palm trees- to convey the joy and serenity one felt the first time they swam in the deep end without parental supervision.

My colleague mentioned it tasted like cotton candy. I suggest you drink this one the same way we did, and decide the emotional landscape behind what you're tasting. Make sure to put on some Saul Williams and preheat the oven to 450 and cook that Totino's Triple Meat in style.

Ting | You Can Still "Feed The Animals" With It

Another Jamaican beverage, and this time a grapefruit-flavored one. And folks, just like last week's, the flavor of this one isn't all that strong, great, noteworthy, delicious, sensational, happy, first-class, sterling, blue-ribbon, bang-up, killer, hunky-dory, ace, terrific, smashing, awesome or brilliant. Honestly you could spend an entire Friday night playing with your neighbor's cat and feel precisely the same bit of excitement. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

Upon my first sip my immediate reaction was that it tasted just like Alka-Seltzer, but with some grapefruit (and/or lime) juice squeezed in (it even seemed to plop in a similar manner as I poured it over ice). But after a few more sips I didn't mind it so bad. And spending some time under the Carribbean sun might make anybody sing a different tune. I could see Ting being refreshing under those sorts of circumstances. There's also a Pink Ting and a Diet Ting, both which I haven't had.

I feel like I need to show some love to Jamaica. How 'bout this: I listened to Augustus Pablo yesterday. Good enough? Alright, I'm sorry. I like the pretty green bottle, if that's any better. Speaking of music, this album made the experience not quite as bad.

Also got this one at Yah Mon. (Don't) get it here. Next week we'll review something good. Promise.

DG Sof Drink Kola Champagne | Continually Endorsed By Paula Abdul's Dance Partner's Cousin

There's a very light, non-cluttered taste to this beverage. I think the blandness might conflict with the anything-goes attitude of many Jamaicans I've met who like to party. But who can say for sure? DG Kola Champagne tastes nothing like the cola champagnes I've tasted before. I clearly taste some citrus here, and almost no signs of a strange plant found throughout the island nation. Recent news states that many young adolescents in our country have also discovered this plant and begun using it recreationally. But again, who can say for sure?

Let's be honest. There's not really much interesting to write about here, except for the store in which the bottle was obtained. I got it with a bottle of Ting at a bright yellow business called Yah Mon that's situated in the Historic 4th Avenue District of downtown Birmingham. I have not partaken of any food yet at Yah Mon, though my friends Cary Norton and Alan Barton have said nice things.

As this post's title suggests, several DNA tests have determined the

"cool cat" on the label is actually a not-so-distant cousin of Paula Abdul's friend from the "Opposites Attract" video. The rich/famous cat's cousin does not only prefer the island heat over the U.S. of A, but is also the key to why so many women prefer assholes (though that type of information can only be read on a whole other blog altogether). Next week we'll talk about another Jamaican soda made by the same company as this one. You can find this flavor and some others at this online store.